The High Maintenance Episode

It's getting closer. It's orange like the color of Arizona Desert Sand. It feels leathery, and it's perfectly wrinkled. No, its not that gorgeous burnt orange Hermes Birkin bag. It's that girl walking out of Darque Tan for the 5th time this week. Her skin looks like it would crinkle at the touch.

But it is not just her arid alligator skin that makes you cringe, its her two inch tips. Despite what her best friend Sha-nay-nay might have told her, a silver sparkle palm tree on each one of her hot pink acrylics will not make all the boys come to the yard. What's even worse is when Malibu Barbie runs those 1987 glam nails through her stringy, bleach blond hair. Bitches must be loco if they actually believe Alejandro at the hair salon cares about the texture of their hair and not the fat tip that he'll be getting from Glam Barbie's faux Coach wallet. No matter what he says, a shade lighter from her already fluorescent hair color will not bring out her eyes. High Maintenance is most certainly the appropriate term to describe Glam Barbie's look. Casual is clearly not her forte.

Don't get us wrong, every Cosmo girl should take care of herself, but just because you take a few hours to get ready doesn't mean you are high maintenance. It has come to our attention that the term "high maintenance" has been nonchalantly thrown around lately. We wish that when Drake said, "Chillin' with no makeup on, that's when you the prettiest" he wasn't singing a bold-faced lie, but what can we do? The male population is severely mistaken in believing that 30 minutes is sufficient time to properly prepare ourselves for public appearances. You like it when we look good, and good things come to those who wait. Also, expecting a call back does not make us needy, and would it kill you to send us flowers once in a while without some smart-ass comment about how we're nickel-and-diming you? Last week, we literally had to ask two boys on the ebus to let us have their seats; they were about to make us teeter in our 5-inch heels for the whole ride home!

We're going to let you in on a little secret. That term high maintenance that you've heard whispers about? Well let us tell you how it came about. One day some men were sitting around, complaining as usual, and they thought to themselves...hey, maybe if we can find a way to make women feel guilty for making us treat them they way they deserve, we can totally shirk all of our responsibilities as males and gentlemen! That's right girls. The term "high maintenance?" It's not a legitimate complaint, it's a massive, society-wide guilt trip. It's men making us feel guilty for expecting them to do things like open the car door for us and pick up the tab. We know it sounds crazy, but think about it. It is all starting to make sense. Those sneaky bastards! We will admit that it has definitely been one of the Y-chromosome's better schemes, but they've now been exposed.

Of course, we have to give credit to those select few southern gentlemen out there who momma raised up right and who know how to treat a lady. Thanks boys. You all might make up only 3% of the population, but we will find you.

As for those women who find that they've been with a series of men that seem to come from that other 97%, heres how to spot these cheap/disrespectful guys:

1. He doesn't pay...for anything. Can girlfriend get an ice cream cone?!

2. He tells you you're crowding him when you communicate with him in a non-facebook/non-text message form.

3. He uses the phrase, "Chivalry is dead." If a man ever says this to you, run. No questions asked.

4. Comments on your physical appearance with anything other than a compliment.

So keep yourself looking fly, and don't be intimidated by male-invented terms like "high maintenance."

And remember, never settle. Drake was right about one thing, "You the f**cking best."