The Men Episode

OKAY...it's been a while since we've posted. We are busy, independent women and, since we are being honest here, we sometimes spend weeks making up clever, deluded, self-righteous excuses for avoiding our responsibilities. We have been working out a lot, we have a lot of studying to do, we're really getting into volunteering lately, and its been really sunny so we've been working on our tans. Whatever. The point is, we're back with a vengeance (ideally).

This episode is something we've been planning, considering, and crying over basically since we started the blog. Every time one of us has a negative run-in with the opposite sex (which is often), we say to ourselves, "We really need to write The Men Episode". We have labeled this as a "big topic" for our blog, and have brainstormed a lot and done plenty of research for this episode...and yet, here we are writing it, and we are not quite sure what to say. Men are inexplicable. Go figure.

We thought maybe we would use this episode to offer our readers some advice on how to deal with our less-intelligent, hairier and deeper-voiced counterparts. However, we have reached the conclusion that we are really in no position to be giving advice about men. These are our strategies:

1. If a man doesn't text you back, wait a few hours, get drunk, and then text him again. Drunk texts don't count as stalking.

2. If a man treats you with any kind of deference, kindness or general interest, it is safe to assume he is in love with you.

3. If a man hasn't noticed you, he is clearly blind, deaf, or retarded. (Although we would never say this out loud, as it wouldn't be politically correct.)

As you can see, our ideology is fluid at best. All jokes aside, we have no idea what we're doing. We have spent many more hours than we would like to admit dissecting conversations, glances, and text messages. We have gone out of our way to attend parties looking like bombshells for the express purpose of letting him know what he's missing. We have listened to songs and applied them to our own love lives, and we have tried fooling them into thinking we are more interesting than strange. You wore that new Diane Von Furstenberg top in that color your guy loves? That's nothing. We've worn leotards. Get on our level.

All of this time spent on men, and we are no closer to the answer of how to get one. We have been forced and yet relieved to come to a conclusion: the answer, if it even exists, doesn't matter.

That's right. You read that correctly. It doesn't matter.

Why might this be? Because to continue to search for the answer is to continue to define our lives, behavior and fashion choices by men. Maybe we are only speaking for ourselves, but we do not want to be defined by most of the chauvinist male pigs we've met (and in some cases, chased after). With this in mind, we've come up with some tips, but not for how to deal with men--for how to deal with yourself.

1. If you like it, buy it. Don't ask yourself, "if I were a guy, would i think this looks cute?"

2. In dealing with the opposite sex, take things at face value. If a man says he wants to hang out, assume that he is telling the truth. If a man doesn't call you, assume he doesn't want to talk. This is way less stressful than trying to find all of that non-existent hidden meaning.

3. Stop trying to be funny, interesting, or pretty. You already are all of these things. You just have to find the person who can see each of them at the same time.

4. Patience is key.

5. Girlfriends are key.

6. Living your life is key. If you are ever unsure if you are doing this step correctly, ask yourself, "Am I doing this for me?"

Sometimes they can be sweet, sometimes they can be raging assholes. We're all human. The point is, a man ought never be allowed to define your life. Whether you're single, have a boyfriend or are happily married, the idea of a man is not to complete you, but to complement what is already exceptional. To stand by you as you conquer the world.

Keep this in mind next time you ask your homegirl, "Does, 'I'll see you later' mean he wants to hang out tonight?" or, "Should I casually drop by where he works and pretend to ignore him?"

Be yourself. Love your life. Eventually you will find a guy who likes quirky weird girls. Or nerdy silly girls. Or funny nervous girls. Or outspoken sweet girls. Or stylish self-conscious girls. Or...(insert your personality here).

Don't put yourself in a neat box for anyone. Being yourself is what's going to get you that iconic pale blue box in the end.

And remember, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them."- Sex and the City

As it turns out, The Men Episode is actually about Women.

We think that says a lot.