May The Odds Be Ever In Our Favor: Derby Days 2012

1. You haven't spoken to any of your friends in other sororities for a week.
2. You are covered in paint and/or dirt. Sometimes a girls gotta play dirty.
3. You have no quarters left with which to do your laundry.
4. You have done a shameful amount of bargaining to win some hats.

That's right, folks. It's that time of year again. You might have heard of a little tiff called the Battle of Thermopylae? Or perhaps Gettysburg rings a bell? Yea, those were child's play compared to the war going on in West Campus this week. Honor will be tested. The mighty will fall. Only one can be victorious. This is Derby Days.

For those of you readers who a) are not greek or b) do not go to a school with a Sigma Chi chapter or c) have been too busy painting a cooler for this weekend's formal that you haven't had time to check your facebook feed, Derby Days is an all out brawl between sororities for the title of reigning champs. Each sorority competes in various activities such as a "hat stealing contest", change collecting, a Brother Auction, and volleyall. And what girl-on-girl competition would be complete without a friendly game of tug of war? No, gentlemen, we will not mud wrestle if we lose. Unless we can get points for that... Anyway, the winning team gets half of the proceeds (which, based on the amount we've already spent are going to be a lot) toward their philanthropy.

But on the real: it's mostly about the bragging rights. This joyous time only comes around once a year, and as any halfway decent VP Recruitment knows, a year's worth of bragging rights is nothing to scoff at. Since all of UT's sororities are generally competitive with each other, any small way to distinguish yourself in the Greek community is sure to cause a frenzy. Especially if it means getting a chance to pull those bitchy [insert sorority here]'s into the mud.

You might be wondering: how did a bunch of frat boys convince so many intelligent, beautiful, poised sorority women to engage in such shenanigans?

In 1933, the Sigma Chi's at the University of California-Berkely campus held the "Channingway Derby". In its inaugural year, the derby was a skit competition.

Question: What do sorority girls love more than skits?
Answer: Nothing.

So because sorority women love skits and nobody had anything better to do because it was the Great Depression and everyone was broke, Derby Days was born. But how did it spread all the way down here? Well, two years after the first one (they were still using snail mail in those days), our friends at the University of Tennessee created a similar event. A thousand people showed up, an epic campus-wide field day was held and the rest is history. Once it hit the South, it spread like wildfire, obviously. There are few things a southern man loves more than competition. So, in the end, we have southern swagger to thank for the adoption of this tradition from our less-fratty California-greek relatives.

Today Derby Days is a national event and the good ol' boys at Sigma Chi have raised over $2 million dollars for their philanthropy. Dizzy bat for charity... genius.

But as we have already mentioned, the whole philanthropy thing is really a fringe benefit. The main prize?

GLORY.

So how does one obtain the above-mentioned prize? Well, friends, its a combination, of luck, money, athletic prowess and sheer will. As always, we will advise you, young grasshoppahs.

1. Ball hard. 'Nuff said.
2. Get your entire chapter involved. The more people on board, the easier it is to win. And not just freshmen. For some competitions, its necessary to know Sigma Chis from every pledge class. For example, the hat contest, which involved snatching as many navy Derby Days hats from the actives as possible, it would not have been possible to win without the older girls in our chapter (i.e. us...) helping to get the hats of the senior Sigma Chis.
3. Hit up your parents for cash. In all likelihood, your mom battled it out at Derby Days in her own college years. In fact, this mustached man may very well be your dad:

(last year's photo, with permission.)

Can't you just picture her in a drunken tricycle race, the wind blowing back her feathered 70s hair as she crosses the victory line and secures her chapter's spot as champions? It was probably a defining moment in her life. Surely she wouldn't deny you the same opportunity? Minus the feathered hair, obviously.

With these tips in mind, go forth and prosper. As for my sorority's team, we have a message for last years' champs: winter is coming. We want victory, and we are willing to pay the iron price for it. Even direwolves can't save you now. That being said, best of luck, and we'll see you on the court this weekend! ;)

PS. Yea, we're think its about time for a Game of Thrones post... check back next week.



PPS. If you would like to donate to our chapter's change jar, you can do so here:

Dallas Formal: It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Out of town formals are the "lost weekends" of greek life. They are a time for filled coolers, bowties and debauchery tasteful celebrating. Guys love them. Why are they so eager? Well that's simple.


1. The obvious: it's two days instead of one. This seems like solid reasoning at first glance. Formals are awesome. Two awesome days are better than one. Somehow, this isn't usually how it plays out. Inevitably, a few freshman puke on the bus and don't make it out the first night. And then you have the classic senior year "my-liver-is-getting-too-old-for-this" hang over that pretty much puts them out of commission on Saturday. It is a rare creature that can make it through the whole weekend unscathed, and yet we keep coming back for more.

2. What happens at weekend formal, stays at weekend formal. Much like OU weekend, boys use out-of-town formals as an excuse to behave badly in an out-of-town setting. That might have worked in the 80s, sugar, but now we have iPhones. Pole dance on the party bus at your own risk.

3. Their dates can't get away. There are few things a frat boy hates more than spending daddy's money on a gal all night just to have her tell the cab driver, "Oh, turn here for my place!" at the end of the night. This way, getting their date to go home with them is a sure thing. However, gentlemen, be advised: just because she may be forced to sleep in the same bed with you doesn't mean she has any intentions of doing anything but sleeping. If she's out of your league at home, taking her to Dallas and putting her up at the Ramada Inn isn't going to magically unzip her dress for you. Poor sap.


It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why fraternity boys' eyes get glassy at the thought of a weekend away with a hot date and no rules. But what about the ladies? Why do we agree, year after year, to attend these functions?

1. FOMO. (Translated: fear of missing out.) Inside jokes are King in the game of thrones that is sorority life, and missing such a monumental event as a weekend away with all your closest friends and their dates is tantamount to missing spring break. If you don't go, you won't understand what everyone is talking about when they start talking about Fabrizio, that one pledge they nicknamed who stole a sombrero and ran around the hotel in his underwear. Do you really want to miss out on those kind of priceless memories? We didn't think so.

2. The Pictures. Sad but true. Weekend formal gives you not one but FOUR chances to get a new profile-worthy snapshot. You've got the bus ride up there in your PFG with your newest bow in your hair. Then of course you have Friday, with your killer bandage skirt and silky top that you've been saving for this very night (not wearing it for four Thursdays in a row was such a trial...you should really be canonized). Then you have Saturday, in which you will be wearing some adorable sratty-casual outfit while you do whatever activity is planned. And then finally, the piece de resistance, you have formal Saturday night! By this time you will be so dehydrated from all the drinking that you'll look so skinny! If this weekend doesn't provide some quality images of you, you probably need a facial or highlights or something. A girl can only get so many chances.

3. Points toward the "Number-of-Formals-I-got-Asked-To" competition. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Every formals season you always have those few friends who were asked to eight formals and you spent two weeks listening to them complain about how they've run out of dresses to wear because they've already borrowed dresses from everyone who is as skinny as they are (ugh. bitch.) Girls will even go to formals with guys they don't like just to get points in this competition. "Ewmahgawd, you went to formal with Henry!?" "Yea, I know, but I got to go to [insert fraternity here] formal, so whatever. How many formals did you get asked to?" Pro tip: weekend formals are double points.

There are obviously other reasons guys and girls might choose to attend. They might genuinely like each other and want to have an awesome time. You go, Glen Coco. Or maybe they just really like to party, regardless of hookups, pictures, whatever. (We're not buying it). The important thing to remember while on an out of town formal is that most people have an agenda. Here's our advice.

1. Avoid creepers, especially if he is staying in the same room with you. You are well within your rights to ask him to sleep on the couch. #disregardmalesacquirecurrency

2. Bring a portable steamer. That Shoshanna dress you brought for the weekend is going to be rough by the time it gets to Dallas, y'all.

3. Bring some snacks. Sometimes in the chaos of formal weekend, we forget to eat. This is a good strategy for looking skinny come Saturday, but bring some Cheez-Its so you don't die. Also, your date will love you.

4. Don't forget your fakes, some extra cash and your trusty bottle of Advil.

5. DO NOT act a fool. You don't want to be the subject of that hilarious inside joke all the girls at the neighboring sorority house are gabbing about. I mean, we are still talking about that girl two years ago who threw up Oreos in her hair and it looked like mud... do not be "that girl".


And remember, if your date doesn't look like this by the end of the night...



...then you aren't doing it right.

We'll see you this weekend, ladies and gents.

The Career Episode

So apparently the question, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" (a Spice Girl, duh...) is not just for second grade term papers.

It's for students. It's for young professionals. It's for old professionals. It's for parents, teachers, the unemployed and the disaffected. We're all asking ourselves and each other, "What are we going to do?"

This question is stressful for us at this juncture in our lives. We're in college, and we love it. We love the parties, we love the people, we love that we can wear nike shorts and an over sized t-shirt to class every day and nobody questions our innate fashion sense. Our classes are okay. Sometimes they're stressful, sometimes they're boring, but most of the time they aren't at the top of our list of priorities. We envision a vague future in which we will magically develop an aptitude for a vaguely defined skill-set and live happily ever after. We sense that we'll make lots of money, or that we'll marry well. We anticipate families, houses, cars, high-powered careers, luxe house-wife statuses and complete and utter satisfaction. It is this inherent belief in our pending happiness which enables us to attend French class every day or finish our O-chem homework.

But what if the fairy tale doesn't play out?

What if we graduate and join the 2 million college graduates in the US who are unemployed?

There goes the car, the career, the vaguely idyllic life we had planned for ourselves. The reality is, it could happen to anyone. And it does, judging by the Christian Louboutin-clad woman we saw working as a public defender at the Houston traffic court a few weeks ago. Now there's a girl with Cristal taste on a Keystone budget. (You go girl! Don't let the haters get you down!)

We're at that point where we have to start making actual decisions about where we're headed. We've taken classes, we've had internships, we've spent a few years "developing our minds" (a.k.a cramming for midterms so we can get a piece of a paper that attests to the fact that we are at least marginally competent.) SPOILER ALERT: This is supposed to be heading somewhere.

Who knew?

There are several things to consider. Yea, you've got a major, but if you're like Ashleigh, extensive knowledge of Platonic ideals and metaphysical theory isn't going to help you face your post-grad Neiman Marcus bill. What's a girl to do?

It's time to say the thing everyone is thinking, but nobody is supposed to say: we're in this for the cash.


Maybe it's horribly bourgeois of us to say so, but we're willing to take that risk. Yes, being blissfully happy philosophizing on Paris's left bank in a shabby vintage cashmere, living in a 6 story walk-up with 3 roommates, smoking thin cigarettes and eating one croissant per day sounds quaint...but couldn't I have done that without wasting 4 years of my life in an institution of higher learning?

This is where we must separate passion from ambition. You all know what we're talking about. Yea, that cute guy that plays guitar and wants to be a musician someday is precious, but we know you're going for the buttoned up Goldman Sachs intern who wants nothing less than to take the wealth management world by storm. If he plays guitar on the weekends, even better. Ambition is something that women find incredibly sexy in men. Well ladies, here's an insider tip: it works well for women, too.

We're grown up now. It's time to be honest with ourselves about our skills versus our hobbies. Yea, you may do makeup so well that you put Bobbi Brown to shame, but unless you want to work behind her counter at Saks for $12.50 an hour plus commission, you better figure out a way to translate your love of eyeshadow palettes into a marketable skill. Bobbi Brown didn't get where she is today because she's great with gel eyeliner.

We absolutely believe that any woman who really believes in what she is doing can make an acceptable living off of it. (With the possible exception of our token marshmallow friend. Honey, go get your highlights re-done, you just need to find yourself a husband.) It's just about being passionate about what you do, and being smart enough to convince someone to pay you for it. And if you're really into underwater basket weaving or opera singing...well, you may have to get what we like to call a "day job." If you have the drive and temerity to stick with what you love, good for you. We'll see you at the law firm by day, and we'll be there for your living room solo in that perfect soprano of yours by night.

So, our advice? Do what you love. If you want to write, write. If you want to cure people, go to med school. Don't worry that nobody will want to publish your book. Don't worry that Obama's health plan might make life hellacious for doctors everywhere. If you have to be a wall street sell-out and write your magnum opus at night, so be it. If you spend 15 years on med school because you can only go part time, so be it. Remember, your parents and advisers are not the ones who are going to be living your life. So take what they say with an open mind and then follow your instincts. A wise man (Ashleigh's dad) once said, "If you do a job you love, you will never work a day in your life."

Maybe we're just young and quixotic, but if you are reading this and are neither young nor quixotic, remember that you use to be at least one of these, and most likely both. And maybe you feel like you're living the grind every day because you became an engineer instead of a ballet dancer, or a lawyer instead of an artist. Or maybe you used to love your life as a pastry chef, but now you need something more (let's face it...we change our minds about what we're wearing out at least three times every thursday night; we're apt to change our minds at some point in the next 50 years).

We're saying its never too late to follow your dreams. We're saying that if you have the chance to take life by the longhorns right now, then do it. Anything can happen.

Just make sure you're not sacrificing the finer things in life if you don't have to. "Number of faux handbags owned" and "inner happiness" are inversely related.