The Men Episode

OKAY...it's been a while since we've posted. We are busy, independent women and, since we are being honest here, we sometimes spend weeks making up clever, deluded, self-righteous excuses for avoiding our responsibilities. We have been working out a lot, we have a lot of studying to do, we're really getting into volunteering lately, and its been really sunny so we've been working on our tans. Whatever. The point is, we're back with a vengeance (ideally).

This episode is something we've been planning, considering, and crying over basically since we started the blog. Every time one of us has a negative run-in with the opposite sex (which is often), we say to ourselves, "We really need to write The Men Episode". We have labeled this as a "big topic" for our blog, and have brainstormed a lot and done plenty of research for this episode...and yet, here we are writing it, and we are not quite sure what to say. Men are inexplicable. Go figure.

We thought maybe we would use this episode to offer our readers some advice on how to deal with our less-intelligent, hairier and deeper-voiced counterparts. However, we have reached the conclusion that we are really in no position to be giving advice about men. These are our strategies:

1. If a man doesn't text you back, wait a few hours, get drunk, and then text him again. Drunk texts don't count as stalking.

2. If a man treats you with any kind of deference, kindness or general interest, it is safe to assume he is in love with you.

3. If a man hasn't noticed you, he is clearly blind, deaf, or retarded. (Although we would never say this out loud, as it wouldn't be politically correct.)

As you can see, our ideology is fluid at best. All jokes aside, we have no idea what we're doing. We have spent many more hours than we would like to admit dissecting conversations, glances, and text messages. We have gone out of our way to attend parties looking like bombshells for the express purpose of letting him know what he's missing. We have listened to songs and applied them to our own love lives, and we have tried fooling them into thinking we are more interesting than strange. You wore that new Diane Von Furstenberg top in that color your guy loves? That's nothing. We've worn leotards. Get on our level.

All of this time spent on men, and we are no closer to the answer of how to get one. We have been forced and yet relieved to come to a conclusion: the answer, if it even exists, doesn't matter.

That's right. You read that correctly. It doesn't matter.

Why might this be? Because to continue to search for the answer is to continue to define our lives, behavior and fashion choices by men. Maybe we are only speaking for ourselves, but we do not want to be defined by most of the chauvinist male pigs we've met (and in some cases, chased after). With this in mind, we've come up with some tips, but not for how to deal with men--for how to deal with yourself.

1. If you like it, buy it. Don't ask yourself, "if I were a guy, would i think this looks cute?"

2. In dealing with the opposite sex, take things at face value. If a man says he wants to hang out, assume that he is telling the truth. If a man doesn't call you, assume he doesn't want to talk. This is way less stressful than trying to find all of that non-existent hidden meaning.

3. Stop trying to be funny, interesting, or pretty. You already are all of these things. You just have to find the person who can see each of them at the same time.

4. Patience is key.

5. Girlfriends are key.

6. Living your life is key. If you are ever unsure if you are doing this step correctly, ask yourself, "Am I doing this for me?"

Sometimes they can be sweet, sometimes they can be raging assholes. We're all human. The point is, a man ought never be allowed to define your life. Whether you're single, have a boyfriend or are happily married, the idea of a man is not to complete you, but to complement what is already exceptional. To stand by you as you conquer the world.

Keep this in mind next time you ask your homegirl, "Does, 'I'll see you later' mean he wants to hang out tonight?" or, "Should I casually drop by where he works and pretend to ignore him?"

Be yourself. Love your life. Eventually you will find a guy who likes quirky weird girls. Or nerdy silly girls. Or funny nervous girls. Or outspoken sweet girls. Or stylish self-conscious girls. Or...(insert your personality here).

Don't put yourself in a neat box for anyone. Being yourself is what's going to get you that iconic pale blue box in the end.

And remember, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them."- Sex and the City

As it turns out, The Men Episode is actually about Women.

We think that says a lot.

The Procrastination Episode

Have you ever:

1. Started studying for an exam at midnight the night before?

2. Sat at a light until it turned yellow before you actually went?

3. Waited until you had one more clean pair of underwear before doing your laundry?

4. Didn't wash your hair until it was it was so greasy that not even your best Frederic Fekkai Dry shampoo could save it?

5. Waited until the day of a formal event to ask your date? (Countdown to formal: 35 days. Gentlemen, we are on the prowl.)

If any of these apply to you, welcome to the club. You are a chronic procrastinator. We are well acquainted with this particular life style. We always wait until the very last minute to complete assignments, turn in money or forms, or begin getting ready. So far, we have managed to escape any serious detrimental effects, long-term or otherwise. However, we started writing this post 30 minutes ago, and all we have is what you've had the misfortune to have read so far. But slow blogging is not the only adverse effect that can arise from procrastinating. For example, any freshmen reading who seem to have gained 15 pounds might have told themselves for the past 8 months that they would start their new diet and excercise regime next monday (damn those mexican lunch tuesdays...). Or how about those times when you don't go to the grocery store until you're eating 5 bags of 100-calorie packs of Kettle Corn for dinner?

Because we love you, we're going to help you out with this chronic problem. First: Invest in some decent sticky notes. When you know you need to do something, post sticky notes all over your room to the point where you are so annoyed at looking at multicolored pieces of paper that you just do whatever it was on time. Second: Purchase a planner, and try to use it. We understand that this is not exactly feasible for everyone (including us) but we've heard it's a good idea. Third: consider investing in a life coach. This is a pricer route, but desperate times call for desperate measures (Ava would like to note that she is taking clients...Ashleigh would like to warn you against accepting her services).

For some of you, procrastinating is a way of life that you will never change. You, like Mark Twain, believe that one should, "never put off until tomorrow what one could do the day after tomorrow." To you we raise our hand in salute (not in a "heil Hitler!" way), for you have truly exhibited dedication to a lifestyle that is not always easy to pull off, and not always rewarding in its practice. That's determination right there. Git er done (or don't, whatever. We're hungry. Bye.)

ps. Sorry this was so short, but we have a lot of not-studying to do.

The High Maintenance Episode

It's getting closer. It's orange like the color of Arizona Desert Sand. It feels leathery, and it's perfectly wrinkled. No, its not that gorgeous burnt orange Hermes Birkin bag. It's that girl walking out of Darque Tan for the 5th time this week. Her skin looks like it would crinkle at the touch.

But it is not just her arid alligator skin that makes you cringe, its her two inch tips. Despite what her best friend Sha-nay-nay might have told her, a silver sparkle palm tree on each one of her hot pink acrylics will not make all the boys come to the yard. What's even worse is when Malibu Barbie runs those 1987 glam nails through her stringy, bleach blond hair. Bitches must be loco if they actually believe Alejandro at the hair salon cares about the texture of their hair and not the fat tip that he'll be getting from Glam Barbie's faux Coach wallet. No matter what he says, a shade lighter from her already fluorescent hair color will not bring out her eyes. High Maintenance is most certainly the appropriate term to describe Glam Barbie's look. Casual is clearly not her forte.

Don't get us wrong, every Cosmo girl should take care of herself, but just because you take a few hours to get ready doesn't mean you are high maintenance. It has come to our attention that the term "high maintenance" has been nonchalantly thrown around lately. We wish that when Drake said, "Chillin' with no makeup on, that's when you the prettiest" he wasn't singing a bold-faced lie, but what can we do? The male population is severely mistaken in believing that 30 minutes is sufficient time to properly prepare ourselves for public appearances. You like it when we look good, and good things come to those who wait. Also, expecting a call back does not make us needy, and would it kill you to send us flowers once in a while without some smart-ass comment about how we're nickel-and-diming you? Last week, we literally had to ask two boys on the ebus to let us have their seats; they were about to make us teeter in our 5-inch heels for the whole ride home!

We're going to let you in on a little secret. That term high maintenance that you've heard whispers about? Well let us tell you how it came about. One day some men were sitting around, complaining as usual, and they thought to themselves...hey, maybe if we can find a way to make women feel guilty for making us treat them they way they deserve, we can totally shirk all of our responsibilities as males and gentlemen! That's right girls. The term "high maintenance?" It's not a legitimate complaint, it's a massive, society-wide guilt trip. It's men making us feel guilty for expecting them to do things like open the car door for us and pick up the tab. We know it sounds crazy, but think about it. It is all starting to make sense. Those sneaky bastards! We will admit that it has definitely been one of the Y-chromosome's better schemes, but they've now been exposed.

Of course, we have to give credit to those select few southern gentlemen out there who momma raised up right and who know how to treat a lady. Thanks boys. You all might make up only 3% of the population, but we will find you.

As for those women who find that they've been with a series of men that seem to come from that other 97%, heres how to spot these cheap/disrespectful guys:

1. He doesn't pay...for anything. Can girlfriend get an ice cream cone?!

2. He tells you you're crowding him when you communicate with him in a non-facebook/non-text message form.

3. He uses the phrase, "Chivalry is dead." If a man ever says this to you, run. No questions asked.

4. Comments on your physical appearance with anything other than a compliment.

So keep yourself looking fly, and don't be intimidated by male-invented terms like "high maintenance."

And remember, never settle. Drake was right about one thing, "You the f**cking best."

The GaGa Episode

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah
Roma-Roma-ma-ah
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la

We were really excited about today's topic because it means we get to do our favorite extracurricular activity: online Gaga-stalking.

Last year, Lady GaGa forever left her mark on the music industry with her eccentric fashion choices, freak-deaky concept videos, and her overall aura. We remember the first time we saw her face with an electric blue flash of lightning across it on the side panel of our web browser as we were facebook stalking. Today, you can't walk down the street without seeing, hearing or, in our case, thinking of madame GaGa. But what is it about this bleach-blonde latex-clad freakshow that keeps us coming back for more?

GaGa's sound has brought something new and dynamic to the music scene. Her synthetic beats and melodies pulsate through your body like no artist we have ever experienced before. GaGa spares no crumb of creative genius when creating her complex rhythyms, and her voice is like a choir of cherub angels descending from Mount Olympus, bringing a message of defiance to our ears. We love to get down to bass-heavy dance anthems like Poker Face and Bad Romance while we dance the night away at the Lodge and Peckerheads, but we mustn't forget about her poignant ballads such as Speechless.

Originally Stefani Germanotta, this Italian American beauty is our favorite guidette (watch out Snooki). Gaga made her rise up from suburbia, to NYU, to burlesque clubs, to music industry big-hitter. It's hard to believe that last may she was opening for The Pussy Cat Dolls (Pussy who? meow). Now she's headlining non-stop tours and making controversial videos with diva-pal Beyonce. GaGa seems larger than life these days...but really, we think she's just like us (except edgier, thinner, and a bit more androgynous). GaGa has sold out tours, wacky bubble outfits and a seemingly endless stream of 8-inch platform heels, but at the end of the day she's just a girl with a dream that's making it happen. We think that one of the reasons that GaGa is so accessible to the mainstream (despite her tendency to spout fake blood from her corset) is that we can all see a little of ourselves in her. GaGa is the first of her kind, so fiercely original, and so not afraid to be herself. She's doing what we all wish we could do sometimes: be ourselves, get a little crazy, and not care who's watching.

BUT LET'S GET REAL. It's also about the clothes.

Gaga often sports this dress in various colors by designer Thierry.

She wore this on tour in korea. We think Fiji should hire her out for Studio 54 next year and have her wear this while hanging from the ceiling. Just a thought...

GaGa barbie!

...and then she has those outfits that have made her infamous. Ribbit.

Oh wait...that's not Lady GaGa...

There is no debate about it: GaGa is a kook. But whether you love her or hate her, she's revolutionized the music industry, electrified the media, and shaken up popular culture as we know it. She's relevant, large-and-in-charge, and we can't wait to see what she'll do next.

Now, for all of you who aspire to GaGa-hood, we've devised some tips to help you reach that goal. Good luck, little monsters!

Top Ten Ways to be like Lady Gaga:

1. Whenever you think it would be inappropriate to go out of the house not wearing pants, do so anyways. But make sure (in the wise words of Samantha) you "have that whole 'situation' taken care of."

2. Invest in various wigs.

3. Adopt a quirky/fierce pseudonym.

4. When your boyfriend pisses you off, poison him.

5. Never break character

6. Enroll in vocal and dance lessons immediately.

7. Be edgy.

8. Shop at hardware stores for going-out clothes.

9. Have ambiguous genitalia.

10. Never apologize for being you.

And with that, we leave you with some inspiring words from GaGa. "Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

We couldn't have said it better ourselves, Gaga.

The Texting Episode

"Hey! what's up?"

"nm"

"Oh cool! Me neither! I'm just studying"

30 minutes later

"ok"

"Alright, it was so good talking to you. We should hang out sometime. See you around"

"k"

Has this ever happened to you? Because this is how most of our texting conversations with the opposite sex play out. But its not the opposite sex that's the problem (well, most of the time), its the concept of texting itself. Texting is appropriate for when you have a quick question or need to tell a girlfriend that you just bought those fabulous new platinum Tory Burch shoes from her spring cruise line. It's a medium for communicating simple information...so why are all of our deepest relationships these days supposed to be based on some cyber-font that was sent to a satellite and back?

"So are you guys talking?"

"Yeah, we text everyday!"

Lame people. What happened to the days when you could pick up the phone and have a real conversation with someone? Just last week a friend of ours freaked out when her boy toy didn't respond to her within 5 minutes of sending him a text. Ok fine that was us, but still. Back in the 19th century, a girl had to wait months for her letter to ride horseback all the way across the country and back...and that's if it wasn't lost along the way or if her lover didn't get small pox and die (Oregon Trails must have been a bitch).

But seriously people, just because your homegirl or your most recent affair doesn't instantly respond to your attempt at a deep and meaningful conversation, that doesn't mean you will end up alone. So turn off the Death Cab album, and pull yourself together. If you take a good look around, you'll see that you don't need the affection of some frat-daddy to make you feel adequate. Who needs the approval of a 20 year old male with a beer belly and Daddy's last name as his only credibility? It's not that hard to pull off Ralph Lauren and a pair of croakies.

So stop checking your phone every five seconds and telling yourself you were just looking at the time. Because texting someone "What's up?" every other day won't get you the Tiffany's Lucida Three-Stone diamond ring. And while you're at it, get off facebook chat. If he didn't chat you five minutes ago, staying online that much longer won't magically alter the universe and give him the sudden urge to talk to you.

Woman up. For realz.

We hope George W. is texting Laura.

The Round Up Episode

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it's the Monday after Round-Up.

The reality of returning to 8am classes may sting, but at least we have the blissful memories...or lack of Round Up memories to get us through the week. Round Up is that magical time of year that all of greek life anxiously awaits from the very start of frat season in August. It is a time in which sorority girls across campus proudly don the letters of their respective organizations in anticipation of the arrival of fledgling fratstars. You see, Round Up is really a mini-rush cleverly disguised as the frat party to end all frat parties. Each year, we rush (no pun intended) to our favors chair, check in hand, to purchase various neon goods ranging from tee shirts to fratpacks to sorority emblazoned water guns (which we are certain held something a bit stronger than water). Each girl, after having decked herself out in gear, then proceeds to give away the extras to all of the most delicious looking frat daddies that she knows. We prepare for weeks, go downtown on thursday night to stretch our livers for the weekend to come, and then the next afternoon it happens: the rushees arrive, and the partying begins in earnest.

Round Up, while it is one of the most amusing weekends of the year, is not for the faint of heart. One must brave the stampede of "randos", the inebriated stupor of young fratlings, and the inevitable frat wounds. See Picture Below:

As you can see, sacrifices must be made in order to have a successful Round Up. But fear not, little miss Ashleigh is in full recovery mode, unfortunately, cell phone number 4 did not survive the fall.

As mentioned before, the randos do come out to play during Round Up. Even though we are happy to share the wonders of being Greek, the long lines for beverages and the constant swatting away of high school boys can become a bit of a nuisance. As we have said, sacrifices must be made. However, we would like to applaud the Gamma Delta Iotas (better known as God Damn Independents), for bravely repping their "letters" and sporting the catchy phrase "GDI or Die". WE personally would chose "Die"...but to each her own.

All in all, Round Up will be greatly missed, but you won't hear us complaining about the return to regular Frat-dom. So keep your frat-packs and other frat-ccessories in a safe place, because Round Up 2011 will be here before you know it!

We leave you with these wise words of an original fratstar, Winston Churchill, "Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party."

The Pilot Episode

Oh, hey.

Welcome to our blog. You may be confused as to the purpose of this blog. That makes three of us. It's okay if you didn't understand that last comment, Ava didn't either.

Basically, we wanted to give you a few minutes each day to spend some quality time in our heads. You're welcome. We were thinking that it would be somewhere between a sitcom, a journal, a funny commentator show, a circus, a how-to article, a dramedy, a reality show, and a chick flick. As you can see, our concept is very fluid. Basically, our goal is to brighten your week with our amusing anecdotes and witty repartee. Again, you're welcome.

We hope you enjoy your soon-to-be daily dive into our world. What will this consist of you ask?

Ava: "I'm sad I didn't get to see you this weekend!"

Paige: "You did."

Ava: "...what?"

We think this explains a lot. Ava and Ashleigh are sorority sisters at the University of Texas who have been blessed with an excellent sense of humor (that few people fully appreciate), a lot of free time, and an overwhelming desire to tell everyone about our awesome lives.

Ava is a sophomore, is 5'2", and is known for making ridiculous comments that usually end up as facebook quotes on Ashleigh's page. She enjoys Sig Epic evenings, long intimate O-chem sessions at the PCL, and eating queso at the sorority house in the wee hours of the morning. Despite this Persian Princess's striking appearance, her inability to consort with the opposite sex provides hours of anecdotal entertainment for all.

Ashleigh, better known as Schap-a-licious, is a quirky freshmen known for her excitement over very, very mundane things. She always looks fierce. She always wins spring fling queen. And her inability to keep a phone for longer than two weeks is why we love her. Ashleigh's roommate Caitlin is very excited that she has a new outlet for, "stupid comments that have nothing to do with [her] and have nothing to do with [her] life."

We think that's a wrap.